The Recipe for Providing Comfort
Written by Deb Crater MA, LPC
Have you ever baked chocolate chip cookies following a recipe but they turned flat or tasting awful? I have! Maybe you put too much salt or put in baking soda instead of baking powder. Our intention was to create something sweet and satisfying. But the outcome was bitter and unsavory. Sometimes this is what happens when we want to comfort a friend, we get the recipe for providing comfort wrong.
We all have people in our lives who experience crisis at one point or another. Our first instinct is often to try to comfort them, and we should! However, there are times our attempt to comfort is baked with a recipe that mixes our to care for them, our own our emotions from a similar difficult memory or experience we have had, and the awkwardness of not knowing what to say. While our intentions are good, we may end up throwing in the wrong ingredient or too much of another. Before we know it, our attempt of providing comfort morphs into a dumping session, and the outcome is bitter and unsavory.
An Effective Comfort Method
How do we effectively provide comfort? What do we do when someone’s crisis triggers a crisis we have experienced ourselves? These are good questions we should ask ourselves.
Several members of my family have experienced life altering crises in the past few months. I’ve been asked how to best support each other, while dealing with how this affects each of us when our loved ones hurt. Instead of trying to explain things in my own words, I have pointed them to a theory I came across awhile ago that addresses the need to comfort and the need to seek support for ourselves. You can search the internet for “The Ring Theory” and gets several hits. This article from the Los Angeles Times dated 2013 explains it well Ring Theory: How not to say the wrong thing (1). There are more recent articles but this one is my favorite, even 7 years later.
How do I use Ring Theory?
The basic premise is to draw concentric circles, or rings, and identify the person in crisis as the center of the circle. They are allowed to “dump out” any worries, fears, frustrations to anyone outside their ring. You also identify who is at each ring as it moves out, where close family members and friends are closer to the center, then friends, coworkers, perhaps in the outer rings.
Once you have your circle of rings, the rule is this…you can provide comfort to anyone inside your circle towards the center. That’s called “comfort in.” But if you need to process through your own struggles on how the crisis affects you, you have to “dump out”. You talk with people outside of your ring. They can support you. But we don’t dump in to those in more crisis, it is not helpful. That outside ring can be a friend, a church member or even your counselor. They make good listeners to “dumping out.”
Take some time to read the article. You may find it helpful to use this recipe for providing comfort the next time you face a friend in crisis. Maybe bring a fresh batch of savory chocolate chip cookies too (use baking powder, not baking soda!).
- Wes Bausmith / Los Angeles Times)By SUSAN SILK AND BARRY GOLDMANAPRIL 7, 2013 12 AM. https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html)
Deb and her husband Vic have embarked on day road trip adventures to over 35 nature spots across Michigan this past summer. On any given day you might find Deb in the waters off a Michigan beach looking for rocks, just like a little kid, practicing the power of play. Deb is a Licensed Professional Counselor who works with children, adolescents, and adults. She uses a broad scope of techniques with a focus on Play Therapy and trauma therapy using EMDR. Learn more here.