In the past few weeks I have been sharing material from this book in my therapy groups and this work by Jay Stringer has made a significant impact on the processing and thinking about the core roots of unwanted or compulsive sexual behavior. I have also been privileged to hear Jay speak in person and find his messages and work to be instrumental in changing the conversations people have about this topic.
Sexual addiction is often misunderstood and deeply stigmatized. Many feel caught in a cycle of shame, secrecy, and despair. But there is hope. In Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing, therapist Jay Stringer offers a revolutionary approach to understanding and healing from sexual addiction—not by avoiding or suppressing it, but by exploring what it reveals about our stories.
What Unwanted Teaches About Sexual Addiction
Stringer challenges the idea that sexual addiction is purely a moral or behavioral issue as is often the message from purity culture in many other books and church teaching. Instead, he explores how unwanted sexual behavior is shaped by the stories we carry—stories of trauma, neglect, shame, or unmet longings. He writes, “The very struggles you want to avoid contain the exact keys needed for your healing.”
In this way, Unwanted reframes the conversation. Rather than asking, How do I stop this behavior?, Stringer encourages individuals to ask, Why is this behavior here? This compassionate, story-driven lens opens the door to sustainable change.
Understanding the Roots of Sexual Addiction
Many clients who are looking for immediate solutions. But quick fixes often don’t work. According to Stringer, healing from sexual addiction begins with understanding its roots—childhood messages about sex, experiences of harm, or emotional disconnection.
By identifying patterns and understanding where they come from, clients can start to loosen the grip of unwanted behaviors. This approach allows individuals to develop a deeper sense of agency and compassion toward themselves.
Sexual Addiction and the Role of Shame
Stringer’s research highlights how shame fuels sexual addiction. Shame says, “I am bad,” not just “I did something wrong.” This internalized shame often drives people back into the very behaviors they want to avoid.
Breaking this cycle means learning to relate to ourselves differently. This is where working with a trauma-informed therapist becomes essential. If you’re searching for a therapist in Michigan who understands these dynamics, look for someone trained in sexual addiction recovery (preferably a Certified Sexual Addition Therapist (CSAT).
Turning Toward Your Story, Not Away
Rather than avoiding your struggles, Stringer invites you to turn toward them with curiosity. Ask:
- What themes show up in my fantasies?
- When did these behaviors first begin?
- What unmet needs might I be trying to satisfy?
These questions aren’t meant to condemn, but to illuminate. When we know our story, we’re less controlled by it. And we’re more empowered to write a new one.
Next Steps for Healing from Sexual Addiction
Healing is not a straight line. It’s a process of learning, relapsing, growing, and trying again. But with the right support—such as a therapist near you who understands the complexities of unwanted sexual behavior—change is possible.
Stringer’s book isn’t just for those struggling directly with sexual addiction. It’s also a valuable resource for spouses, partners, and even therapists. You can find Unwanted here or visit jay-stringer.com to learn more about his work.
Final Thoughts: A New Way Forward
If you’re tired of hiding and ready to heal, you don’t have to walk this path alone. A trained compassionate therapist can help you explore your story, understand your behavior, and move toward lasting change.
If you’re struggling with sexual addiction or supporting someone who is, we’re here to help. Reach out today to connect with a CSAT therapist near you who specializes in trauma-informed, story-centered care. Healing is possible—and your story matters.
